And There We Go - moving west and other stories

As the pilot tipped a wing so that the Golden Gate Bridge was in full glorious view, these were the words I read - You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. - Frederick Buechner. At that moment, two and a half years ago, those words were wrenchingly comforting.

The Oceanic Bridge has become our 'gate' these past few years and I will miss not driving over it almost every day. Even when it was colder than a 'you know what', seeing the water always calmed me down. But it's time again, to be the one to go. To leave friends on their porches and buddies at the park. Would that we could slink away quietly in the night, bypassing the inevitable tears. Our time here in NJ has been more than counting days. We dove into a new life, full stop, and it's going to be hard to say goodbye. From the decadence of cabana life to the hilarity of shoveling snow (house rule #1: you may only  laugh about the weather, there is no complaining). We've had a blast here and would not have traded this experience for anything! My kids have grown more than just a shoe size or two, and I have learned that I'll never be too old to make new friends.

So off we go, Mid-Westward Ho and soon this will be our new 'gate'. The boys and I got to play tourist in Chicago last week and had so much fun! We took the train into the city a couple of times, went to a bunch of amazing museums, hung out with some of our favorite people, ate the best sushi I've had in 3 years, got an offer on our NJ house (yahoo), and most importantly, spent time as a family. If not for the fact that our Chicago house still hasn't closed escrow and we're just about homeless, it would've been perfect - but ce la vie - it is what it is!

xoxo,
P

Amazement, Inspiration, Love ... The Gelato Prince

Strap in y'all, I'm in an incredibly emotional mood today. It's my oldest son's 20th birthday and I realized this morning that this is the first year that I will not be able to hug him on his Oh Happy Day, pour him a bowl of CocoPuffs (we do the 'you get to choose one gross cereal for your birthday' thing), make the meal of his choice, and basically be especially nice to him all day. He's a man-boy now, the strings have been snipped, he's somewhere on a mountain bike in Portola Valley, CA teaching rug rats how to ride. Loving every minute of it I'm sure, and not doubt 'holy crapping' about being 20! I love my son.

Amazement: (tears) this little boy weighed 2 lbs 4 ozs when he was born. Tried as I might, with witnesses to swear, he found his wings a bit too early. But fly into this world, he did, and fight his way to stay, oh hell yes he did! There was a saying in the NICU, that my favorite Irish nurse, Gerry shared - there are fighters and there are flyers, Andrew is a flyer! Weeks passed stroking a limb, whispering stories and singing lullabies and finally, finally I got to hold my boy. You know how it is, you never really let go.

So on a day like today, when yet another milestone has been achieved, it just hurts to not be near him. I'm a sappy-ass mom at the end of the day, and I still kiss The Littles good night every night and whisper in their ears when they're sleeping. If Andrew were sleeping here tonight, I'd do the same, or at least make sure his feet-boats weren't hanging off the bed!

This man, this boy - he's a rarity, a presence, a wonder (more tears). I always thought he was an old soul, anymore I'm not sure if that's true. Hanging around with adults elevates ones skills, for sure. But there is something bigger than that. He's just kind of cool, comfy with himself. You can't teach that to someone, I think it's how he's wired. And this inspires me, because I'm not always comfy with myself. I don't love walking into a room of strangers or showing up to a gig on my own. Crap, some days I hate showing up to life on my own! Andrew always stands tall and forges forward, with a smile and a huge heart. I love that about him!

And love, oh yes, love. What's been asked of this man-boy over the last 20 years is more than you can imagine. And at the end of the day, it is my hope, that every step of the way he's felt and known that he is loved. Enough love and then some to help, to push, to hold, to celebrate and to feel safe (yes, more tears).

So, Gelato Prince (yup, literally ate his way through Italy), man-boy, miraculous human being who flew your way into this world ... I am so proud to be your mom. You remind me to appreciate life, to be thankful every day, to push beyond comfort, to listen when I don't want to, to try when it's hard, and to acknowledge achievement. Happy Birthday Big Guy!

xoxo...

Mom

Bye Bye Gluten

Almost two weeks gluten-free, I'm on a roll (that's a pun)!  It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be and I'm inspired to keep it positive. Thank the gods for the internet, where I've found a plethora of information and gained a respectful perspective on people living with Celiac Disease. I don't have Celiac, but I do think there is a connection between gluten-sensitivity and aging.

Kudos to Trader Joe's! Check out this awesome gluten-free list I found online. One of my favorites, even before I took the leap, is the Chicken Curry Tenders. To offset the insane sodium count, I grill, slice, toss (over heat) with coconut milk, a bunch of veggies, a little Thai basil, serve over rice and voila - a meal even my kids devour! TJ's also carries Udi's bread and man, that's good stuff. And in case you've never tried this, Bragg's Liquid Aminos is a great gluten-free alternative to soy sauce. I've been using it for years and actually prefer it to traditional soy.


Have an amazingly healthy GF day!


Paula

What the GF?

Day Two of going Gluten-Free. So what, right? If just that I'm painstakingly aware of what I'm eating, that's positive. Not to mention I ran a mile today, my skin feels better (but dangit, the wrinkles are still there) and I feel good. I'm sure it's 99% psychological, but I'll take it!

Have scoured the local stores for crunchy, salty GF goodness, yeah! Had my first sandwich on gluten-free bread, not bad, so much better toasted. A little trepidacious about the Spaghetti Bolognese I'm serving my family tomorrow, hopefully my sauce will rock and no one will notice the pasta is a little 'weird'. Sunday morning breakfast will be the real test, gluten-free pancakes! I'm worried that they'll turn out like mush cakes instead of my famous thin pancakes. Oh well, more syrup!

In the meantime, I found this awesome GF blog, gluten-free goddess. Not only does it have amazing recipes, but Karina is a fantastic writer and has such an inspiring story. Make sure you check out her bio, then click the link to her husband's art - it's simply beautiful!

Have an awesome GF day! (doesn't that totally sound like a swear word)

xoxo,
P

Don't Blink

Maybe it's because I'm getting older (not) or perhaps it's just the insane rhythm of life (likely) but I feel like every time I look up, another year has gone by. As a mom, I tend to mark time in school events and holidays. Does that make sense? Less circadian rhythm and more circuitous hamster wheel. No less productive, but certainly more myopic (can something be MORE myopic?).

Anyhow, this past year has been a transition with the big man away at college. Cho Party of Four just sounds weird and each of us has had to get used to missing Andrew. Thankfully, we Skype, we text, we chat, which is all good, but not the same. I miss my kid. I did take over his bathroom though, so there are some perks. Changes aside, he loves living in La Jolla (geez), has survived the rigors of academic life at UCSD and does his own laundry. We're very proud, and not just about the laundry thing!

Do you know those moments when you look at your kids, I mean really look at them. And for a moment, you're kind of separate and you see them as little people in the world. We had well checks at the Peds the other day. I know their projections aren't totally accurate, but No. 2 is on target for at least 6'4", talk about wingspan - skooch over Michael Phelps! Now the size 12 sans-a-belt jeans make sense, he's only 9! No. 3, on the other hand, will probably be somewhere between 6'2" and 6'4", and can I tell you, he's pissed about not being taller than his brother. Competitive little bugger! In the blink of an eye, or at least the not too distant future, my entire family will be taller than me, and I am not exactly a petite flower!

In tune with the rhythm 'and to everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn' -  it's springtime again here in NJ. Which means the flowers are gorgeous and  the Zyrtec is flying off the shelves. Smiles abound because the snow is finally gone and the spray tan has started to run a muck. The weekly thunder and lightening shows are pretty amazing thus far, as is the hair-curling humidity. Hey, it's life in Jersey, what can I say!

So on the heels of Wills and Kate's nups (see, event centric), have a lovely day just don't blink, because you won't know what you're missing!

xoxo,
Paula

California Dreamin'

Hudos (that's 'huge kudos') to my local Whole Foods for keeping their produce bins plentifully stocked with California artichokes. I love them! My mom tells a funny story about an uncle (or was it my Dad?) who when served an artichoke for the first time, asked what the 'shrub' was on his plate. And I'll never forget one of my favorite Little Rascal episodes, 'well, it may choke Arty, but it ain't gonna choke Stymie' ... hardly 10 for a dollar (HA), only in Castroville, right.

And the strawberries, Driscoll of course, are organically amazing (read carefully people)! I can't keep them in the house long enough to get my fill. All things Driscoll brings back such fond memories. I spent many Tahoe summers with 'these berries' - thank you CC and TC.

Maybe there's a Be Kind to California movement going on in Jersey, because even Sickles featured Cowgirl Creamery cheeses last week. And if you don't know what I'm talking about and you're even remotely fond of cheese, you have totally missed the boat. Quickly, get thy self to a cheese shop (or click the link above and join the Cheese Club). Trust me, I do know what I'm talking about. I didn't work at The Mouse Trap at El Paseo without learning a thing or two about cheese.

If the food isn't enough to make me wish for all things California, a quick visit to San Diego put me over the edge. I used to think that if I ever had the chance to live in San Diego it had to be within walking distance to the ocean. Now, I'd be ecstatic with one of those lovely terracotta roofed, stucco bungalows in the valley (although a pool would be nice). I still can't believe that my kid gets to live in La Jolla, row on Mission Bay, and call one of my favorite places 'home', at least for a few years. Freshman Admit Day was awesome! Now I know where Andrew will be when he says he's heading to RIMAC or that he had a burrito at Goodies. It's not that I was flipping out, it's that I'm visual and wanted to be able to 'see' where he'll be. It's good, no it's really great. He's so ready to just be there and take it all on. I'm so proud of him, and I miss him already.

Spring is here - sunshine, warmth, flowers - bugs ... oh well, it's really beautiful and makes me happy. And hey, only 61 days until summer!

xoxo,
P

Passing on, Moving on, and things like that

It's so hard to wrap my head around 'forever' ... these words my husband murmured to me during the time he spent with his father these past few weeks. He was weak and ill and failing too fast. I love my husband even more than I knew; for his courage, for his compassion, for his devotion. I wasn't there when my aboenim died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I was home with our boys, Andrew had surgery. I had to be home. It was the only place for me to be. Thomas was gone for almost 2 weeks. I talked to him several times a day, and every time it was different - sad, angry, remorseful, empty. I wanted to reach through the phone line and hold him close. What felt hard for me was the worst kind of hell for him; it was heartbreaking.

My sister, bless her, rescued me the week of Andrew's surgery. With Thomas gone, how was I going to swing that one? She arrived with a smile and a hug and love for all of us. She brought levity and happiness, amidst fear and unknowns. And then, my father-in-law passed away and I had to go. I had to. Whatever I've done to deserve my family, I am a lucky girl/sister/daughter. My parent's arrival coincided with my sister's departure; a deep sigh, knowing my boys would continue to be under great care and love. Leaving felt wrong; leaving felt right. I will never forget their unflinching 'yes' when I asked for help.

Traveling without your children is touted as a special treat; for me is was so bittersweet. I had no idea what I was stepping into in CA, but all I wanted was to hold on to my husband; hold him up if I could. For those of you who don't know him, he is a quiet man of great depth with an unflappable strength of character. It's not often that he lets his guard down, but losing his father shook him to the core. I noticed that he was wearing his father's shoes when I got there, walking in his footsteps, stepping into his life - I don't know, but it made him feel closer, more connected; somehow it helped him. When I told my Dad this, he smiled and said, "I did the same thing when my Dad died, I wore his clothes" - beautiful, I get it.

The days in CA were a blur of tears. Despite my resolve to be strong, it hit me in waves, and still does - forever is hard to wrap your head around. I will never be able to hear Amazing Grace again without crying.

Lest you think our life is all sadness, about moving on ... I am so happy to note that Andrew was accepted to UCSD and will be basking in the beauty of La Jolla while wrestling with the curriculum of Revelle this Fall. The shorts are finally off the wall and he's been wearing them with the biggest smile. We are all so very proud of him and excited for this next phase of his life. Although William thinks college is 'dumb' and why does Andrew have to go away anyhow, it only took him a few minutes to be reminded that San Diego is the home of the Aircraft Carrier Museum, the SD Zoo, SeaWorld and Legoland - he's good to go now! Andrew deserves every acknowledgement and accolade that comes his way! I am beaming right along with him. Go Tritons!

xoxo,
P