Passing on, Moving on, and things like that

It's so hard to wrap my head around 'forever' ... these words my husband murmured to me during the time he spent with his father these past few weeks. He was weak and ill and failing too fast. I love my husband even more than I knew; for his courage, for his compassion, for his devotion. I wasn't there when my aboenim died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I was home with our boys, Andrew had surgery. I had to be home. It was the only place for me to be. Thomas was gone for almost 2 weeks. I talked to him several times a day, and every time it was different - sad, angry, remorseful, empty. I wanted to reach through the phone line and hold him close. What felt hard for me was the worst kind of hell for him; it was heartbreaking.

My sister, bless her, rescued me the week of Andrew's surgery. With Thomas gone, how was I going to swing that one? She arrived with a smile and a hug and love for all of us. She brought levity and happiness, amidst fear and unknowns. And then, my father-in-law passed away and I had to go. I had to. Whatever I've done to deserve my family, I am a lucky girl/sister/daughter. My parent's arrival coincided with my sister's departure; a deep sigh, knowing my boys would continue to be under great care and love. Leaving felt wrong; leaving felt right. I will never forget their unflinching 'yes' when I asked for help.

Traveling without your children is touted as a special treat; for me is was so bittersweet. I had no idea what I was stepping into in CA, but all I wanted was to hold on to my husband; hold him up if I could. For those of you who don't know him, he is a quiet man of great depth with an unflappable strength of character. It's not often that he lets his guard down, but losing his father shook him to the core. I noticed that he was wearing his father's shoes when I got there, walking in his footsteps, stepping into his life - I don't know, but it made him feel closer, more connected; somehow it helped him. When I told my Dad this, he smiled and said, "I did the same thing when my Dad died, I wore his clothes" - beautiful, I get it.

The days in CA were a blur of tears. Despite my resolve to be strong, it hit me in waves, and still does - forever is hard to wrap your head around. I will never be able to hear Amazing Grace again without crying.

Lest you think our life is all sadness, about moving on ... I am so happy to note that Andrew was accepted to UCSD and will be basking in the beauty of La Jolla while wrestling with the curriculum of Revelle this Fall. The shorts are finally off the wall and he's been wearing them with the biggest smile. We are all so very proud of him and excited for this next phase of his life. Although William thinks college is 'dumb' and why does Andrew have to go away anyhow, it only took him a few minutes to be reminded that San Diego is the home of the Aircraft Carrier Museum, the SD Zoo, SeaWorld and Legoland - he's good to go now! Andrew deserves every acknowledgement and accolade that comes his way! I am beaming right along with him. Go Tritons!

xoxo,
P